 My hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as I approached my driveway.
“Home at last!” I told myself as I pulled the car into the garage. The past six
weeks had been pure hell to me. I had just returned from my first pain therapy session. My
only thought was to get into the house and rest from my first venture out in over a week.
I turned the ignition off and pulled myself out of the car. My wife, Gail, greeted me at
the front door and asked me how I was. I said that I was very tired and wanted to rest.
Not knowing what was actually happening in my life, problems raced across my mind
relentlessly. I was so tired of life in general that nothing really mattered to me
anymore. I only knew that I was depressed, in pain, and confused. Why was this happening
to me and where did it all start? This had been another day without progress. The hopes of
getting better were being torn down every day by a deterioration of my physical and mental
health. It seemed that all my years of searching for happiness and God had placed me in
situations that could only be described as hell. As I stared at the ceiling from my bed, I
wondered if life was really worth continuing. Could death hold any of the peace that life
was denying me?
I heard a small quiet voice whisper somewhere deep within my being, “The nightmare is
almost over.” Vivid images of dreams and thoughts I had as a very young child began
to play with my mind. Was I going insane? It looked as though my world was cracking apart.
Somehow, the crack that started to destroy my existence became the door to another world.
Just as a young bird pecks his shell away to enter a new world, I felt myself starting to
mentally break this shell that would release me from a world I thought was my total
existence. Each tremendous blow at this shell was composed of a memory of my horrible life
within it. With each blow, the shell began to crumble. With each blow, the memory lost its
strength and power to keep me locked within the shell. I was emerging!
How long this battle to emerge would take, I did not know. This shell was very tough.
However, something did cause the crack to appear. How the shell formed its crack was not
important at the time. My only thought was to break out. The first blow was made with the
memory of hopelessness. This parasite of hopelessness had kept me locked within this
shell, blinding me to the awareness of the world I now fought so hard to enter.
The wall of the shell that imprisoned me had simply been the limit of my consciousness.
Suddenly I was staring at the wall of this shell, observing the mysterious crack that
called my attention to the wall in the first place. The wall along the crack was rough and
small pieces of the wall began to flake off. Deeper gouges and holes began to appear as I
started to pick at the crack with my fingers. My next thought was to find something to use
as a tool to tear away at the wall. I looked down at the ground and saw a large rock about
two feet in diameter. I quickly reached down to pick up my chosen tool that would crush
and help demolish this wall that beckoned me to go through it. As my fingers grasped the
rock, an intense burning pain enveloped my hands and arms, eventually engulfing my entire
body with waves of agonizing, searing pain.
A voice within me said, “Pick the rock up and beat it against the wall.”
Another voice from within the rock said
to me, “You can’t use this rock to destroy the wall. The wall is invincible and
cannot be destroyed”.
The voice within me said, “That is
your hopelessness talking. Ignore what it is saying to you. Pick it up and bash it against
the wall!”
The electrifying pain pulsing through
my body was more than I could bear and as I started to release the rock from my grasp,
small bits of the wall started to fall and the voice within me cried, “Don’t
drop the rock! Quickly, smash it against the wall, now! If you stop now, the crack will
disappear and you will be buried in the debris of fear. Don’t you know what is
happening? The rock is deceiving you with lies. The pain is not real! The only reality is
what lies beyond this wall. Look at the crack in the wall. It’s Real. Your pain and
confusion is not real. Once you crash the rock against the wall, your hopelessness will be
destroyed. Do it now!” At that point, I hurled the rock against the wall with the
very power of God behind my body and the earth started to shake as the rock exploded with
such force that it blinded me and threw me to the ground.
The next thing I remember was spinning in a kind of vortex that was hurling me into a
powerful pulling force coming from a very bright distant light. I looked up and could see
that a large hole had been produced in the wall by the explosion of the rock. I knew that
whatever was happening to me now was not something that was going to prevent me from
getting to the other side of the wall. Something was giving me the confidence of
succeeding in my attempt to break out of the shell.
I somehow knew that my battle was not over and had actually just begun. Wherever this
light force was pulling me, it was not to the other side of the wall. However, I had no
fear whatsoever. I knew that nothing could prevent my destiny. Suddenly, I felt my body
being pulled with such increasing velocity that I seemed to evaporate into pure energy as
the distant light became the very essence of my being. I was hurled into the very center
of the most powerful and brilliant energy of pure virgin light that could only be the
essence of intelligence Itself. At that moment, my very consciousness exploded and all
that I once knew became as a mere speck of dust in the endless realm of time, space, and
matter.
I was no longer aware of eternity, life, and energy. I was eternity, life and energy. As a
part of God Himself, I saw my spiritual and human identity created and placed on earth at
the time of my conception. As a beam of light would shine, my existence as energy flowed
toward this moment of creation to become a form of life. The manifestation of God as this
form of life, was endowed with the knowledge of its creation. He was being put here as
part of the pattern of life without which life would be missing its total creating
pattern. So, the purpose was definite and divinely inspired. There is more that I cannot
precisely recall which would fill the eternity of time. I can only say that the memory of
what had happened to me was to be locked in the consciousness of the child of myself to be
born in nine months. |
